I am not an easy person to like. Partly, cause I am always guarded when around people. I do not want to say things that could unintentionally hurt someone. I think sometimes we just need a break from the constant façade we put up to face the world.
I would like to have more time to be the unfiltered me. To do things without scrutiny from others and say things without the fear of judgement. I think I can be quite a nice person to get to know and it would be nice not to have to put on a fake face.
I think when I am me I can be happier. I can be more creative and restful. Just thinking of it makes me feel at rest.
For me, this one word has been the thing that has kept me going. I remember a quote from my one of my favorite TV series which has resonated with me greatly.
“DONT HOLD YOUR BREATH, YOU STOP THINKING WHEN YOU STOP BREATHING…BREATHE”
Grey’s Anatomy
I keep repeating that to myself when I feel that I am drowning in the day’s turmoil. When everything seems difficult to do, when I feel that the I am stuck in the moment, and the next thing to do seems impossible. All I do is breathe. That one breathe helps me move on from that moment of uncertainty. The breathe that goes in will come out. I have taken the next step, even if I am not sure of anything else, breathing is something I can do.
So, if I were to ever have the guts to get a tattoo, it would be the word “Breathe” on my inner side of the right wrist.
Daily writing prompt
What tattoo do you want and where would you put it?
Maybe… Maybe not.. I do not need another person’s judgement to put my mind in turmoil.
I think it arises from the need to wanting to make the “right” decision. I am scared of what my decisions will result in. What if someone gets hurt? What if I don’t end up happy with the results? I don’t have the record for the best life decisions and that make me want to analyze each an every possibility. But who am I kidding, I am no Dr. Strange, no matter how much I think there will be a 100 different possibilities that I did not think of.
It takes a little effort but sometimes I think I need to make decisions without having all the cards on the table. Like some would say enjoy the choice forget about the outcome, we will cross that bridge when it comes.
However, as of now I remain conflicted, my emotions and my thoughts battle it out in my mind.
I should probably have something more note worthy as the best compliment. But compliments make me feel weird. Making someone smile, is probably the only compliment in my lifetime that I have accepted whole heartedly.
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All other compliments that I have received makes me feel small because I know for a fact that someone is doing things better that me. I just lucked out and was noticed. I am good at something because someone better took their time to teach me, to make me worthy of that appreciation. Given that, the person who should be appreciated should be the one who taught me. And I am whole-hearted thankful to all the teachers in my life — my parents and sister, my school teachers, professors, my friends, my colleagues etc.
On the other hand, I feel that making someone smile is not something that can be taught, its inherent. And the fact that someone is happier, even just for a minute, because of me makes me happy. Wouldn’t you say a compliment is worth when the person giving it and the one receiving it appreciates it?
Though I love riding on by bike, for a cross country trip, I think that a car would be most suitable.
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For one, I think it’s safer than a bike also I would be able to stop where I want and just enjoy the scene. Also, not having to lug around my luggage everywhere seems like nice thing. And the best part, I could park it somewhere and take a nap when required.
Not to lie though, the thought of travelling actually makes me anxious. I am not used to travelling alone but when I actual do travel it has always been an amazing experience.
Daily writing prompt
You’re going on a cross-country trip. Airplane, train, bus, car, or bike?
Everyone at some point in their life is confident. I always inspired by the people around me.
It’s a wonder to see how people rise up to occasions. You would think school is a minefield. You always get put on the spot, but there are some people even in situations like that are able to confidently navigate the situation.
And just when school gets over, we find the real world is a whole new game. Everything you do is scrutinized and judged. I was so scared of everything I did. But the more I observed the more I realized that no one has everything figured out. Even the smartest person made mistakes but the thing they did different was that they never paid heed to their failures.
They faced every situation with the best attitude and accepted the results no matter what. I am learning to be confident in myself, if not always, at least in certain situations to begin with.
I was taught “big girls don’t cry” when I turned 8. Fast forward through the years, every time I cried I was scolded.
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When I was younger, I was told that I had “crocodile tears” that were not sincere and so slowly I taught myself not to cry. I thought by not crying I was showing maturity. Little did I know that I was slowly piling up the all the hurt in my heart.
It took me some time to figure it out but crying is a reset button set by God for us to just cope with the negativity around us.
When I am tired of keeping that strong willed face for the world, I come back to my room and just cry and scream. That time I spend crying helps me acknowledge the pain I am feeling and helps me forgive myself for failing. It calms the rising tides of emotions in my heart well enough to give me the strength to pick up my broken pieces and face the world once again.
It does not matter who you are, what you have been told, or your circumstances — take a minute to cry, not to show the world, but for yourself. In my opinion, it’s the best recourse to take when you feel things are falling apart. Off load the pain a little bit to get the courage to carry on.
Daily writing prompt
What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?
I love learning new new things especially when it comes to art. I love painting, drawing and craftwork. I have tried multiple mediums pencils, acrylic paint, spray paint, fabric paint, alcohol markers and so on.
I can spend hours together on one single painting. By the time I am done I am in a much more better mood and time passing by just becomes an after thought.
I had heard that art is healing and experiencing it first hand I completely agree! I love watching art videos on Youtube. There are so many talented artists out there. I have added a few of my favorite videos for you guys to see.
All these artists really inspire me to try expanding my art skills and that has resulted me to become “A Jack of all, but King of none!”. But I am hopeful that the more I practice I will soon get better at it.
I’ll take a little more pain, If hurting me is what gets you to your feet, I’ll take that pain. If unloading your frustrations makes your day a little brighter, I’ll take that pain.
If putting me down makes you stand a little taller. I’ll take that pain. If making me fell worthless is what you need to value yourself, I’ll take that pain.
If blaming your failures on me is what gives you the courage to try again, I’ll take that pain. If silencing me is what gives you peace of mind, I’ll take that pain.
If walking away from me is what you need to follow your dreams, I’ll take that pain. If breaking me down is what will build you back up, I’ll take that pain. I’ll take a little more pain to see you smile, dream and hope again!
I am a person who loves replaying the same series over and over again.
I usually re-watch a series when I need something to distract me. Or to calm down the thoughts swirling in my head. At one point they become a sort of alternate to white noise.
Criminal Minds
Brooklyn 99
Friends
Big Bang Theory
The Mentalist
Superstore
Supernatural
Grey’s Anatomy
Extraordinary Attorney Woo
How to get Away with Murder
Suits
Dr. House
Wednesday
Fruit Basket
Pokemon Original series
And the list would go on and on.
At this point I think the need for having something on play even if I am not actually paying attention to it has become a habit. It is a bad habit and maybe someday soon I will actually take the time to disconnect from electronics for a longer period of time.
However, for today I am thankful to the people who made such wonderful productions that I am able to enjoy! 🙂
Daily writing prompt
What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?
Word Hues 