Category: Emote Notes

Consistent State of Hate

Published on by wordhues2 Comments

I do not like you! The image that stares back at me in the mirror. There is nothing about you that is worth anything! You look ugly, you are a fake and worst of all you are a failure! Your life is the definition of “waste”. The world would never know should you fade away from existence. And fade away you should. You bring nothing but pain and sadness. Today these are the rantings in my head.

I somehow managed to finish my work day. I distracted myself the whole day with mindless scrolling and binge watching series after series. But now that the silence has hit my as I sit to write I cannot breathe. I feel tired and exhausted. Even crying is difficult. I am in a constant state of war in my mind and the end doesn’t seem to arrive.

What should one do when their worst enemy resides in their head? What escape can you get form the constant taunts and insults?

God made me perfect I should not insult His creation. But I, human, took what He created and have trashed it completely.

What should I do? I need to heal. I feel guilty even saying life is difficult. But today, I have no energy to carry me through. I felt the dark cloud settling around me. I thought this time also I could overcome it but I failed. I am in the dark corner of my mind and the demons of my mind and crushing the air out of me.

Just one more day. Get through today. Sleep a little. Tomorrow you will have the strength to fight back and get out of this consistent state of hate. You may not feel the grass greener or the sky bluer. You may be still in your dark place but the demons will be silent once again. Maybe just long enough for your two steps forward before the step back happens again.

End to 2024

Published on by wordhuesLeave a comment

It’s been 365 days since I started writing again. I thought it would be one habit that I continued. I started this year with a mindset of taking chances and trying again.

This year has been a hell of a mess. But I am still thankful. Despite all the horrible things that have happened in my life I still am thankful for the good things.

I was well aware of the dark cloud that surrounded me. I did not find meaning in anything I did. I was just going through the day. I felt dead inside. I did not want to live and some days wished that I would not wake up the next day.

The only reason I am alive today is Jesus. Even when I kept running away from Him, in the quiet silence he still had my back. Even with all my failures He kept fighting for me. He kept giving me reasons to be happy and people to love.

I know I am still carrying the pain from this year and it will take time for me to finally accept things as is and move on.

Probably, it’s a little cliche to make a resolution because it is the new year. I still am going to make one. I want to be better. On the path to being better, I am definitely going to hate myself. But if it can make me happier I will take a little grief.

All I need to do is breathe and remember why I started. I want to be better this year spiritually, emotionally, and physically. This time around I cannot fail.

How Much More…

Published on by wordhuesLeave a comment

It’s not fair that my heart feels so heavy. It’s not fair that I can’t have true happiness. I know that there are people in this world who have it worse that me, I just don’t know how do they bear it?

Are they born with the iron will with which they face the world? Or were they beaten so badly that they learnt to take the pain?

I feel like a failure, achieving what I think I want but at the end of the day I feel the weights that are tied around my neck. I cannot breathe. Life can’t be so difficult for a privileged person like me. I mean I have everything but why at the end of the day I feel like I am dying. I am not living I am just counting the days to my grave.

Is it wrong of me? To think that my life is horrible? Shouldn’t I look at those that have it worse and realize that my life is blessed? But what do I do when I cannot think beyond the four walls that close around me?

I am extremely grateful for the life I have, but, somedays I feel that my wrong choices have made have destroyed what life I had. Why did I agree? I should have realized that though I was making the decision that I thought is the best for everyone I had inadvertently made the wrong one for myself.

All I hope now is that I can teach my will to be strong. I have so many decisions to make ahead in my life and this time around since I an making them for me i know I will be alone.

Alone is better that miserable. A little sadness is better than a lifetime of grief. This time around I will make it right.

Today is Not so Good

Published on by wordhues2 Comments

Today. It feels difficult to hold on to hope. My anxiety is creeping in, I feel that my lungs have no air. I cannot breathe. “I am drowning on dry ground”– It did not make sense to me earlier but that is exactly how I feel. I am sitting at my desk trying to work but I can’t. I put on videos to distract my mind but it is not helping. I want to cry and want to break down and curl up into a ball.

Today I am not okay. The compartments in my mind are shaking a little. Reality is hitting me a little too hard today. The problems that I just accept as part of life, today, it feels like they could kill me. I feel that I cannot go on. I know it is just one of those days. A day in which even the smallest of thing feels like a boulder on my chest. I know I will get through this day but today it feels like I won’t.

My mind is going in different directions, my heart is racing and my vision feels blurry. I guess I just need a good bout of sleep. Maybe it’s just that I am tired physically and mentally today. As Dory says “Just keep swimming”, I will overcome this day as well. And tomorrow, I will have the energy to bear the weight of my mind again.

Time to disconnect a little and enter into the world of imagination. Self prescription of drawing has been advised. While drawing the picture on the paper, it may just give me enough time to stop thinking for a while. Just enough time to get through the overwhelming feeling of today.