Tag: bloganuary

When I think of things I am scared about, the list seems endless. There are the common ones like siting in a room that has a spider on the wall, the jumping insects grasshoppers in particular, the list could go on.

However, the one thing that I have always feared is to be the centre of attention. Over my lifetime I have developed my own set of insecurities on the way I look, the way I dress, well mostly what people would call superficial. I always dreamed about being the one that turned heads around and it has come true except for the part that they were not turns of appreciation. I learnt how to make myself small, to be invisible..

Today I have learnt one thing, no matter what you do people judge. Maybe not always in mean spirit but they do judge. In fact I do it too. I have chosen to not to let their opinions effect me as much. I keep reiterating one line – “Just cause they are right I am not wrong. Unlike mathematics, in life there are more than one right answer”

Keeping that in mind, I try to be whatever makes me happy in that moment. It may draw attention but if I don’t keep the focus judgements I will have the memory that I tried. I may succeed or fail and that’s okay. And sometimes being the centre of attention is good cause everyone deserves their spotlight! So take courage, make noise, let the world see you…

Daily writing prompt

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

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I have never been a person who likes to share their feelings with others. I prefer to bottle then up and build mile high walls so that no one can cross them over. I mostly feel awkward with overtly emotional gestures. In our house no one says the words “I Love You” or something else cheesy as “I cherish you”. Though words are never spoken the care is always implied.

To those other than my family, they would call me indifferent and cold. And though I have tried in the past to be more expressive of my emotions i always end up feeling the cringe. I prefer to observe people. I see the subtle movements of their hands or the slight twinge in their eyes to know the emotions that they are going through.

However, there was a day, when all I wanted was a Hug. I had a huge smile on my face when I asked for it and oddly it was my mother who ended up giving me one. My mother and I have very similar characters which ofcourse means that I am constantly at a war of words with her. But on that day she said this “If she is asking for it she needs it. Come here.” and then she hugged me. And just like that all the taunts and curses she hurled at me over the years just faded away. Now, everytime I think of those horrible memories it is replaced by the memory of the most loving hug she ever gave me.

And Yes, now I realize her love for me and my love for her.

Daily writing prompt

Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?

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There was a time that I used to spend a lot of my time thinking of the past and the future. Almost everyone always regrets the past and hopes for the future. On any good day, the past teaches us and the future drives us. And for sometime in my life I had only good days. Till reality struck.. and boy did it strike hard. It threw me off my game completely. Now thinking of yesterday just makes me upset and the future makes me anxious.

So for now, I just think about today. No burden of hopes and no regrets of the past. One day at a time. I made it today. And like Master Oogway says “Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but Today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.”

Life today is beautiful.

Daily writing prompt

Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?

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Well my parents would disagree but my best ever road trip was when I lied to my parents and then hit the road with my friends. We rented a car and the guy who was the designated driver for the trip didn’t have his license cause it was confiscated by the police on an earlier stop (it may have been an accident). And the rest of us either didn’t have a license or never took a car on the main road.

But the whole ride was fun! My driver friend loved racing the car and boy do I love going over the speed limit. We went on hairpin turns uphill and downhill which was amazing! Yes we were rattling in the passenger seats and thank God we didn’t eat a lot before we started the trip. We played music in full volume and rolled down the windows and enjoyed the wind going through our hair. We may have not spent a lot of money or visited a lot of places but to me it will always remain part of my core memory.

Where it may have not have been right to lie and go for the trip but I have also come to realize the memories we make in secret are the ones we cherish the most!

Daily writing prompt

Think back on your most memorable road trip.

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It may sound morbid or dark. But I don’t look much into the future. I never had long-term goals. It may be because I always think of worst case scenarios and since I have lived through a couple of them I don’t know how long will I last against them.

Short life, making the maximum people in my life happy. Maybe give them some cherished memories to hold on to. Be the reason that someone smiled today.

If I ever do consider a long life, it would mostly be in solitude with all my affairs in order with a will to fulfill any obligations that would occur after I die. That way, the people who love me can move along with their life with the most minimal disruption.

But to those who see a long life for themselves, I admire you and I hope one day I too can start dreaming of the future.

Daily writing prompt

What are your thoughts on the concept of living a very long life?

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Like many others, my biggest challenge has always been to accept myself. I have never given myself the benefit of doubt. If self criticism was a crime I would live the rest of my life behind bars. I used to wake up with the thoughts that I am not good enough and that I don’t deserve the good things in life. Through out the day the feelings continued to build over small things that would seem insignificant to others. I have always been my worst bully. I took two bouts of depression and recovering from thoughts of self harm for me to finally give myself some slack. The war with myself is ongoing, I may not win everyday but I think I have learnt to keep fighting. My faith in the Power greater than me has kept me from staying down and today I try to give others the courage to accept themselves and to keep fighting.

Daily writing prompt

What are your biggest challenges?

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