Category: Daily blog

Log of my everyday

Day 18: Strained Day

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Today was a little difficult I am in a little pain today. I can barely type up this blog. I am struggling to stand up and walk. Every step sending a sharp pain up my spine.

Its days like this that gets me demotivated. It reminds me that I am burden to my family. I feel horrible being weak. I don’t like myself. I know that the treatment will take time. But when days like these happen I feel why I am I still sick. Why am I not getting better? I need to remind myself that I am better than I was 2 months ago but sometimes it does not help.

I just wanted to crawl back to my bed for the whole day. I managed to get through my day not very successfully. Because of the pain I could not get anything done. But here’s to hoping for a good day tomorrow.

Day 17: Disconnecting from Work

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I am on leave starting today. I do not know what to do. I feel a little lost. With the toxicity not constantly pounding my brain its like I an empty.

I woke up and started organizing, deep cleaning just to keep myself occupied. The fact that my pace is much slower than usual does not help. I should be thankful though, I am moving mush more than I could a month back. I want to start taking the stairs maybe 5 to start with. I am a little worried that i am pushing myself too soon but I think i need to start somewhere.

I am also hoping to start driving the car again. Baby steps, one thing at a time. I need to keep reminding myself. Now that my health has made me realize the clock on life I want to do as much as possible. I do not want any regrets. I want to be better. I know there is a high possibility I might fall at sometime but I need to remember to stand back up.

Lets see what tomorrow will bring.

Day 16: Reboot

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It was a long time since I actually enjoyed my work. I used to put music on and then buckle down. I swiftly completed my assigned tasks for the day. However, somewhere along the past 2 years, I lost that part of me.

I got my Spotify wrapped today, and I had not listened to any music for the past 8 months. To me, it was all noise. I never realized what all was stolen from me. How did I let it get this bad? I was losing myself and I did not even realize it. Today, as I opened my favorite playlist and set it to play, it bought back good memories.

It was a good change. People say that one should not go back to old habits but this was a good old habit. I finished my work. For the first time in a long time, I felt satisfied as I closed my laptop.

I made it another day! 🙂

Day 15: A Christmas Carol

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Today we had Christmas Carols at Church. My nephews sang in the choir. They looked so cute in their uniforms. Kids are always fun to watch. Their expressions and their actions always bring a smile to faces.

On the other hand, I did a major de-cluttering. I went through all my drawers and rearranged stuff where they had to go. I also removed stuff that were just lying about without any purpose. I also when through my box of memories and found that somethings in there no longer invoked any memories. I think with age perspectives changes. I think I used to dump things in the box because it was something I had as a kid. This time around, I removed some old stuff and put in some new ones.

The pain in my shoulders are flaring up as I sit at me desk. Walking around was a little bit more painful today. Still, today was a good day!

Day 14: Day of Baking

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I know that the word “baking” has a lot of different interpretations. I mean baking as in the cooking in the oven baking.

Today I tried waking up early but the weather outside was so cold! I did not want to leave the comfort of my warm blanket. The cold floor was a nightmare quite literally. I kept snuggling until I realized that I was awake and did not have any sleep left in me.

I definitely had huge plans for today. I went into the kitchen cleaned up the table to make space for my baking stuff. Once that was done, out came the eggs, sugar, flour, baking tins and the other ingredients. The first cake of the the day was a traditional plum cake. I had to keep taking breaks in the process due to my shoulder injury but I made it. It went into the oven to bake.

Meanwhile, when my nephews came over we set out to make a simple chocolate cake. Because according to them it is cake only when it is chocolate!

The plum cake came out okay – a 8 out of 10. The chocolate cake probably needed a little more time – a 6 out of 10. Regardless, I am happy that I could atleast make them this year.

The medicines are working. I may not be out of pain but it is getting better. I am able to stand for longer and do things that I used to. Little steps but little steps are moving me forward.

Thank you Jesus! For teaching me to find happiness in the small things of life.

Day 13: The Next Step

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Today was a good day! I am exhausted and just want to retire early. I had to go out to run some errands. It was extremely challenging but I got through it. I hated every moment while I was doing it but now that I am back home I am proud of myself for making it.

I somehow feel like I claimed a little piece of me back. I felt that I could breathe a little better today. It was like the burden on my heart and mind is slowly lifting. I feel that now I am starting to hope for a better life. I feel a little more determined than I was yesterday.

I feel like that I still have time to make a difference. A positive difference. Maybe just because my life timer is a little bit shorter it does not mean that everything is over.

This hope and happiness feels weird but a good kind of weird. Here’s to hoping that I can continue building on this feeling.

Day 12: Changing Directions

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I feel tired today. I feel drained. I did not do anything today. Literally nothing.

I just want to be done with this one issue of my life. Its like a stone weighing me down. I can’t move. I feel like I am stuck in place and everyone is moving forward.

However, there is some part of me that thinks that I have been using this one problem as a reason for being lazy. I blamed all my failures to it. Now that I am finally reaching the end of that problem what if I still don’t move forward. What if I still lazy around and take things for granted.

I need to find something to anchor me. A reason to push forward. Something to hope for. I don’t know. Some part of me is scared to even hope. I don’t know if I can take failures. The only person who can help me through this spiral is Jesus. Praying to God that he gives me the strength to overcome this wild storm in my mind.

I made it one more day. One day at a time, breathe, pray, and repeat. It might not seem like a big achievement but it is something.

Day 11: Old Memories and New Perspectives

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I did not realize how much of me I had lost! Everyday its like my fogged memories are clearing. I am starting to smile more. I never knew that I had started giving up on pieces of me. I started making my world smaller. I think I hoped the smaller my world the lesser I would hurt. It is like I am claiming myself back. Little my little.

On a lighter note, I did listen to a couple of shorts audio stories. It was like a blast from the past. It had been years since I read a book or even heard an audio book. Also, lets be real, I had a spout of impulse purchase today. I need to stop it. I need to start using the stuff I buy. I am going to start by restricting myself to an amount for the month. Hopefully, over time i can reduce the budget until finally I buy stuff only when I actually need it.

All in all cheers to a good day!

Day 10: My Day Out

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Today was the first time in months that I went alone somewhere. The pain in my leg always made me unsure. I was scared that I might end up falling down and unable to get up.

I choose not to leave the confines of my home and stayed constricted to my room. Probably one of the reason that contributed to my negative thoughts. It was like a vicious cycle, I was upset because I could not move. I stayed inside the house because I could not move. Again, I would be upset because I could not go outside.

It was a good time! Though we could not spend together as much time I we hoped we could it was nice to finally meet my close friends. Seeing them after so long really put a smile to my face.

Day 9: Not a Productive Day

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Feels like I am slowly falling back to my old habits. I just want to sleep all day.

It always starts with being lethargic. Then I slowly stop doing things and start wanting to just relax the whole day. Today I thought to myself, its okay if I miss one day it’s okay. I can continue tomorrow.

So I am definitely stretching myself to make that extra effort. I really want to know how do people stay motivated. The people who plan ahead of time how do you do it? And how do you stick to your plan.

I have made plans with my friends tomorrow. It is the first time I am going out alone in months. Here’s to hoping to have a good day.

Today was a day of zoning out. tomorrow I will do better. I have to. I just have to.