Stage Fear

Daily writing prompt
Have you ever performed on stage or given a speech?

In my formative years going on stage would make me run in the other direction. I tried to avoid any such opportunity.

Even if I did end upon stage, I measured all my words and internally counted the seconds till I finally got off that platform.

I used to participate in group events. though. As long as I am not alone I would be okay. As long as no one notices me it would be fine. i used to keep repeating this lines over and over. As an added protection, I would not wear my glasses to stage. I could not see them so I could not fear them.

Then as I got older, we had presentation and speeches to give as part of the curriculum. Imagine trying to read the notes without the glasses. So for the first time I gave a presentation with my glasses on. When I was done and off the stage, I literally blacked out. I would say that I survived those college years.

It was my first job that changed things for me. The first time I was asked to give a presentation to the management I fumbled and ended up laughing from the panic. To my surprise, instead of being annoyed by my mishap the directors joined in laugh with me. They said they need a minute to calm down and asked for a break. I knew the break was to compose myself and start again. And even though I made multiple mistakes after the first one. They kept encouraging me to go on with warm smiles on their faces.

That was my turn around. I got better and more spontaneous. I learnt to give speeches, conduct events, and even participate in debates. Over time, I didn’t need note cards anymore.

I still have stage fear. Every time I am done with a stage event, my hands are trembling. However, I do not let that hold me back anymore. I do not back down from stage situations and try my best.

Today is Not so Good

Today. It feels difficult to hold on to hope. My anxiety is creeping in, I feel that my lungs have no air. I cannot breathe. “I am drowning on dry ground”– It did not make sense to me earlier but that is exactly how I feel. I am sitting at my desk trying to work but I can’t. I put on videos to distract my mind but it is not helping. I want to cry and want to break down and curl up into a ball.

Today I am not okay. The compartments in my mind are shaking a little. Reality is hitting me a little too hard today. The problems that I just accept as part of life, today, it feels like they could kill me. I feel that I cannot go on. I know it is just one of those days. A day in which even the smallest of thing feels like a boulder on my chest. I know I will get through this day but today it feels like I won’t.

My mind is going in different directions, my heart is racing and my vision feels blurry. I guess I just need a good bout of sleep. Maybe it’s just that I am tired physically and mentally today. As Dory says “Just keep swimming”, I will overcome this day as well. And tomorrow, I will have the energy to bear the weight of my mind again.

Time to disconnect a little and enter into the world of imagination. Self prescription of drawing has been advised. While drawing the picture on the paper, it may just give me enough time to stop thinking for a while. Just enough time to get through the overwhelming feeling of today.