Attempting this prompt again, because this time the answer feels a little different. Especially since I’ve just returned to some level of normalcy after feeling like I was drowning for the past two days. Having bad days isn’t uncommon anymore; it almost feels like they’ve become the norm. The world is on fire, and no matter how hard you try, some days simply don’t go your way.
Talking about my strategy to cope with negative feelings, fair disclaimer: this is not a good practice. What I do is probably one of the more toxic ways of dealing with things. But here it is. First, I hide what I’m feeling. I never let the next person know what’s going through my mind. My problems are my own. It’s rare that anyone would truly understand, and even rarer that they’d know exactly what’s happening inside. Second, I build compartments and shove the feelings into a box. There’s no time to deal with emotions. Feelings complicate things and make everything confusing. Wearing your heart on your sleeve feels like the biggest disservice you can do to yourself. So I tell myself: deal with the feelings later. It most certainly isn’t in the moment. Finally, I focus on getting through today, pushing the problems out for tomorrow.
Now, here’s why this isn’t effective. Every once in a while, the feelings I’ve boxed up start to crack through. I try damage control, thinking maybe handling a small issue will make the compartments strong again, strong enough to withstand a few more days. But the pile of negative emotions always grows faster than my ability to manage them. Then comes the crash. The day when everything tumbles down, when it feels like the world is ending and life has lost all meaning. I shut down for a couple of days, overwhelmed by the tide of emotions. Nothing makes sense until I finally gather the strength to rebuild the walls, compartmentalize again, and start over.
I still follow this vicious cycle, but once in a while I take time to talk to someone. It doesn’t stop the crash, but it helps me recover from it. It gives me courage to fight again and somehow gives me the strength to take a step in the right direction.
Word Hues 