“If mess had to be personified it would be me.”
I love how my life turned out (at least on most days). If anyone were to ask me how I made it in life the only answer I know is “I don’t know”.
An earlier prompt asked what would be the tittle of my autobiography. It seems these prompts are going to make me actually write the whole thing!
Not to be too cliche but it is true..
I am the kind of person who generally does not work hard for something. But sometimes I make that extra effort to get something I really want. I would plan and replan till it was just right. Then I would stay focused and strive hard but despite everything I failed.
Initially, I used to think that was the end and just give up. When I would see others achieve what I could not I would make myself smaller. I kept thinking that I could not do it cause I was not good enough.
However, one day I decided to fight after may failure. And I realized the second time around I was easily able to navigate the mistakes and though it took me a couple of times to actually win, I eventually did.
I realized that with every attempt I got better and faster. That was the turning point for me. I learnt to fight from then on. No matter how long it takes I will keep trying.
Like Edison said — “I have not failed, but found a 1000 ways how not to make one.”
What experiences in life helped you grow the most?
Do I love my “job”? It would depend on the day you ask me. I think everyone has those days where the stress of the job does not seem worth the pay of it.
When I think about it I love the “work” I do. I chose my career path and am excited about learning new things. However, I have a need to give 100% to anything I do and when I can’t do that, I tend to get upset. My parents have instilled in me to be sincere to the job that pays the bill and I always try I do my best. The job is not always about the “work” though, it includes navigating through people’s expectations, office politics and sometimes unfair situations. Most days you handle it but some days it just gets you and then the job feels like a burden.
For me, my job keeps me occupied and there is only so many days I can “relax”. As a added advantage if I am working I not worrying and I welcome that break. But, I want to be so much more than just my job. I want to do things which does not need me to be perfect it just requires me to make progress.
I have realized to enjoy my job, I need to find the balance of perfect at my job and learning to take things lighter when doing art or writing. I have made small efforts to balance out my life this year and it has made a difference. Little by little I will reach where I intend to.
Today. It feels difficult to hold on to hope. My anxiety is creeping in, I feel that my lungs have no air. I cannot breathe. “I am drowning on dry ground”– It did not make sense to me earlier but that is exactly how I feel. I am sitting at my desk trying to work but I can’t. I put on videos to distract my mind but it is not helping. I want to cry and want to break down and curl up into a ball.
Today I am not okay. The compartments in my mind are shaking a little. Reality is hitting me a little too hard today. The problems that I just accept as part of life, today, it feels like they could kill me. I feel that I cannot go on. I know it is just one of those days. A day in which even the smallest of thing feels like a boulder on my chest. I know I will get through this day but today it feels like I won’t.
My mind is going in different directions, my heart is racing and my vision feels blurry. I guess I just need a good bout of sleep. Maybe it’s just that I am tired physically and mentally today. As Dory says “Just keep swimming”, I will overcome this day as well. And tomorrow, I will have the energy to bear the weight of my mind again.
Time to disconnect a little and enter into the world of imagination. Self prescription of drawing has been advised. While drawing the picture on the paper, it may just give me enough time to stop thinking for a while. Just enough time to get through the overwhelming feeling of today.
My whole life has been on the principle of “Let’s wing it!”. Ironically, I have attended so many sessions that were around planning and organizing to achieve future goals. However, I still have not learnt the art of setting goals and achieving them.
If there was a biography, the whole book would talk about how without any sort of planning and fore thought I have taken up the most biggest challenges of my life.
Despite all odds, I have attained what had I set out to. Meticulous planning, Dream boards, Goal setting may work for others but for me, “unplanned” works best.
I may not have anything written down and I may ended up taking longer than required, but I get there. Cheers to the ones that have no script to follow!
One of best portrayed TV series I have watched in a long time.
Part 1 and Part 2 of the Netflix series, inspired by true events, revolves around the life of Moon Dong-eun. She came from a broken home with a mother who had all but abandoned her. She cherished the dream of one day becoming an architect. She take to take odd jobs to survive and in the time that she had she studied hard. She is seen as a happy child before things took the turn for the worst.
On the other end of the spectrum, a gang of bullies. Park Yeon-jin, Jeon Jae-joon and Lee Sara came from wealth and had parents who threw money at anything that came in their children’s way. Accompanying them were Choi Hye-jeong and Son Myeong-o, though they were not well off like the others they were party to everything the other 3 did.
The storyline shows how over the course of the schooling years this gang of bullies ragged their fellow students and ruined their lives. They chose victims who were poor or from desolate homes. When the victims asked “Why Me?” Yeon-jin’s response was “Because I can and nothing will ever change for you”. That one statement shows that the bullying was not caused by an event but just for the pure pleasure of hurting someone.
Their bullying broke the protagonist Moon Dong-eun, but she sought to take revenge. She sought to change the what was told would never change. The whole plot is how she enacted her revenge on each of them for the crimes they had committed. The story also shows hope in a desolate circumstance through the love interest Joo Yeo-jeong.
Truly, a well scripted and picturized series worth the watch. The series awakens emotions in the viewers and drives you to join in the revenge plan of the protagonist.
When we are kids we always are busy. Always doing something or the other.
As a kid I loved collecting stamps and coins but with the relocating I lost some so I has to let it go. I loved writing down the lyrics to my favorite songs. I also made activity books by cutting up the crossword puzzles and comic strips from the newspaper. Oh and makeup! I think all kids at some put loved being a make up artist.
But there are some that I have continued doing or restarted recently. I still enjoying making small drawings once in a while or painting or some sort of art. The one consistent thing over the years has been writing and I am so glad I never let that go.
I believe with all my heart that I like most kids loved all kinds of candy. As I grew up though I started to loose my interest of most kind of candies.
There are however a few of them that have continued to hold a place in my heart. Kit Kat is my forever favorite! I simply love the Hazelnut chocolate flavor. I know there are other chocolates with the same taste but those wafer covered chocolates will always be my first choice.
I also love the Heartbeat candies.. Especially the purple colored ones. I have not eaten them in a long time but I still have the memory of the taste and it is just amazing.
I am not sure it would be considered as a candy. But when talking about my favorite sweet food item, Loacker cube wafers cannot be excluded. I could eat a whole bag of it at one go. Even though now I don’t prefer having a lot of candies, I still I could binge eat them today.
All these are stuff I have been having since my childhood so I guess they are part of my core memories. I can just close my eyes and imagine their taste.
Each time we fought you got hurt but the scars were left on my heart,
Each time we shared secrets you were relieved but I was always burdened.
Each time we consoled each other you recovered but I sank further in,
Each time I tried never to be the same I always failed and never did really change,
Each time you shed tears some fell from mine but I never let you notice,
Each time I fell I tried to get up on my own as I did not wan to be an obstacle in your way,
In your happiness I was happy but when I was sad no one cared,
I thought of you as my driving force for living,
As days went by I was no more part of your life,
When the words you spoke made me sad I hid the tears that fell from my eyes for which I always regret,
I once was an open book but as time passed I closed up myself,
I never told you what you said hurt me but hoped you would realize but never did,
I waited and waited for you to notice but you showed no signs of it,
So I accept it was my mistake,
I hurt you, I made you cry but I hoped you would always remain mine,
But now I know your happiness is not with me,
I just want to say I am sorry,
I can’t say anything else because you were and are my everything,
I am sorry for everything I have have said and done,
Please forgive me if you can and hope that you will give a place in a corner of your life again.
I am a serial procrastinator. I sometimes astonish myself at the level of laziness I have. I can go days achieving absolutely nothing in life. It’s not because I don’t have goals for myself. I do. I noticed that the fervor that I have when I am in a particular moment does not replicate when the time to actually works towards it comes around.
I accounted everything to laziness and that everything in life came to me easy and that I did not want to strive for it. But then like most non medical professionals I sought to find my answers on the internet.
Apparently, procrastination is a disruptive mental health issue. I don’t have a great general knowledge but sometimes I like reading about certain topics. So, I researched a little further to understand the cause and how to get better. My experience with depression has made me realize that you may not be able to avoid situations completely but you can always manage the impact of it.
There were few things that I could relate to with the causes : Perfectionism and Disconnection from the Future.
I needed things to be just right. It can’t be done as “Not so bad”. It has to be of the level that it garners appreciation on the efforts. So, when I did not meet my expectations I gave up.
Future, Hopes and Dreams. I had given up on it all. I felt that there was no point. I had nothing worth fighting for.
Today, I am trying again. I am going to make good habits of things I want to get done. I need to force myself to do it every day till my body learns that it needs to do it. Hopefully, soon I will make constant steady seps to my goals.
I have completed month 1 of writing my blog and learning a new language. Hopefully, by the end of this year I will have a set of 10 to 12 habits than will bring me closer to my goals.
Word Hues 