Tag: writing

Love to Hate it

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Do I love my “job”? It would depend on the day you ask me. I think everyone has those days where the stress of the job does not seem worth the pay of it.

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When I think about it I love the “work” I do. I chose my career path and am excited about learning new things. However, I have a need to give 100% to anything I do and when I can’t do that, I tend to get upset. My parents have instilled in me to be sincere to the job that pays the bill and I always try I do my best. The job is not always about the “work” though, it includes navigating through people’s expectations, office politics and sometimes unfair situations. Most days you handle it but some days it just gets you and then the job feels like a burden.

For me, my job keeps me occupied and there is only so many days I can “relax”. As a added advantage if I am working I not worrying and I welcome that break. But, I want to be so much more than just my job. I want to do things which does not need me to be perfect it just requires me to make progress.

I have realized to enjoy my job, I need to find the balance of perfect at my job and learning to take things lighter when doing art or writing. I have made small efforts to balance out my life this year and it has made a difference. Little by little I will reach where I intend to.

Daily writing prompt
Do you enjoy your job?
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Today is Not so Good

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Today. It feels difficult to hold on to hope. My anxiety is creeping in, I feel that my lungs have no air. I cannot breathe. “I am drowning on dry ground”– It did not make sense to me earlier but that is exactly how I feel. I am sitting at my desk trying to work but I can’t. I put on videos to distract my mind but it is not helping. I want to cry and want to break down and curl up into a ball.

Today I am not okay. The compartments in my mind are shaking a little. Reality is hitting me a little too hard today. The problems that I just accept as part of life, today, it feels like they could kill me. I feel that I cannot go on. I know it is just one of those days. A day in which even the smallest of thing feels like a boulder on my chest. I know I will get through this day but today it feels like I won’t.

My mind is going in different directions, my heart is racing and my vision feels blurry. I guess I just need a good bout of sleep. Maybe it’s just that I am tired physically and mentally today. As Dory says “Just keep swimming”, I will overcome this day as well. And tomorrow, I will have the energy to bear the weight of my mind again.

Time to disconnect a little and enter into the world of imagination. Self prescription of drawing has been advised. While drawing the picture on the paper, it may just give me enough time to stop thinking for a while. Just enough time to get through the overwhelming feeling of today.

It doesn’t matter

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What advice would you give to your teenage self?

How complicated life seems during teenage years. It is the time when we start to understand the importance of society’s acceptance.

We leave the phase of enjoying every day with a carefree attitude to the “What will people think” attitude.

We fight every day with ourselves to be the perfect version we can be—just so we could be liked. We wanted people to be jealous of the perfection in our lives.

I did things that I hated just because they were what most people did. I tried so hard to fall into the required specifications to be part of the “cool” gang. And when I could not make it, I denigrated myself: “You are not trying hard enough.” “You are a loser.” “You don’t deserve to exist.” These thoughts occupied a permanent space in my head.

But now, in retrospect, it all feels so small. All the issues I faced—if I had the maturity I have today—I think I would have gotten through them unscathed.

The one thing I want to tell my old self is: “It doesn’t matter.” The people you think matter leave your life, the standards you had to meet change, and the measure of success is different. All I had to do was get through it forging my own path, because no matter what, to others you are doing everything wrong.

Just brush them off your shoulder, hold your head high, and keep on walking.

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Unscripted

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My whole life has been on the principle of “Let’s wing it!”. Ironically, I have attended so many sessions that were around planning and organizing to achieve future goals. However, I still have not learnt the art of setting goals and achieving them.

If there was a biography, the whole book would talk about how without any sort of planning and fore thought I have taken up the most biggest challenges of my life.

Despite all odds, I have attained what had I set out to. Meticulous planning, Dream boards, Goal setting may work for others but for me, “unplanned” works best.

I may not have anything written down and I may ended up taking longer than required, but I get there. Cheers to the ones that have no script to follow!

Daily writing prompt
If there was a biography about you, what would the title be?
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Recollections of the Past

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When we are kids we always are busy. Always doing something or the other.

As a kid I loved collecting stamps and coins but with the relocating I lost some so I has to let it go. I loved writing down the lyrics to my favorite songs. I also made activity books by cutting up the crossword puzzles and comic strips from the newspaper. Oh and makeup! I think all kids at some put loved being a make up artist.

But there are some that I have continued doing or restarted recently. I still enjoying making small drawings once in a while or painting or some sort of art. The one consistent thing over the years has been writing and I am so glad I never let that go.

Daily writing prompt
Are there any activities or hobbies you’ve outgrown or lost interest in over time?
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Sweet Tooth

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I believe with all my heart that I like most kids loved all kinds of candy. As I grew up though I started to loose my interest of most kind of candies.

There are however a few of them that have continued to hold a place in my heart. Kit Kat is my forever favorite! I simply love the Hazelnut chocolate flavor. I know there are other chocolates with the same taste but those wafer covered chocolates will always be my first choice.

I also love the Heartbeat candies.. Especially the purple colored ones. I have not eaten them in a long time but I still have the memory of the taste and it is just amazing.

I am not sure it would be considered as a candy. But when talking about my favorite sweet food item, Loacker cube wafers cannot be excluded. I could eat a whole bag of it at one go. Even though now I don’t prefer having a lot of candies, I still I could binge eat them today.

All these are stuff I have been having since my childhood so I guess they are part of my core memories. I can just close my eyes and imagine their taste.

Daily writing prompt
What’s your favorite candy?
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It was on Me…

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Each time we fought you got hurt but the scars were left on my heart,
Each time we shared secrets you were relieved but I was always burdened.
Each time we consoled each other you recovered but I sank further in,
Each time I tried never to be the same I always failed and never did really change,
Each time you shed tears some fell from mine but I never let you notice,
Each time I fell I tried to get up on my own as I did not wan to be an obstacle in your way,

In your happiness I was happy but when I was sad no one cared,
I thought of you as my driving force for living,
As days went by I was no more part of your life,
When the words you spoke made me sad I hid the tears that fell from my eyes for which I always regret,
I once was an open book but as time passed I closed up myself,
I never told you what you said hurt me but hoped you would realize but never did,
I waited and waited for you to notice but you showed no signs of it,

So I accept it was my mistake,
I hurt you, I made you cry but I hoped you would always remain mine,
But now I know your happiness is not with me,
I just want to say I am sorry,
I can’t say anything else because you were and are my everything,
I am sorry for everything I have have said and done,
Please forgive me if you can and hope that you will give a place in a corner of your life again.

Making a Habit

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I am a serial procrastinator. I sometimes astonish myself at the level of laziness I have. I can go days achieving absolutely nothing in life. It’s not because I don’t have goals for myself. I do. I noticed that the fervor that I have when I am in a particular moment does not replicate when the time to actually works towards it comes around.

I accounted everything to laziness and that everything in life came to me easy and that I did not want to strive for it. But then like most non medical professionals I sought to find my answers on the internet.

Apparently, procrastination is a disruptive mental health issue. I don’t have a great general knowledge but sometimes I like reading about certain topics. So, I researched a little further to understand the cause and how to get better. My experience with depression has made me realize that you may not be able to avoid situations completely but you can always manage the impact of it.

There were few things that I could relate to with the causes : Perfectionism and Disconnection from the Future.

I needed things to be just right. It can’t be done as “Not so bad”. It has to be of the level that it garners appreciation on the efforts. So, when I did not meet my expectations I gave up. 

Future, Hopes and Dreams. I had given up on it all. I felt that there was no point. I had nothing worth fighting for.

Today, I am trying again. I am going to make good habits of things I want to get done. I need to force myself to do it every day till my body learns that it needs to do it. Hopefully, soon I will make constant steady seps to my goals.
I have completed month 1 of writing my blog and learning a new language. Hopefully, by the end of this year I will have a set of 10 to 12 habits than will bring me closer to my goals.

Breathe Again

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Since I have missed on a couple of the daily prompts guess now onwards will be the challenge to continue writing everyday.

It seemed appropriate to start with why I started the blog. Initially, it was just about a social media presence. I restarted my blog when I had a complete reset. I realized that though in daily life I am quiet silent I had a lot to say. I chose to stay alone because I felt that no one could understand me. Then, I started writing poems as a way to manage my emotions, fear.. Sometimes when I read them over I feel that those words have absorbed the pain.

I hope that maybe someone out there can read and realize that suffocating feeling happens to many. And most of them if not all choose to bear it in silence so that the people they love don’t feel their pain.

I hope that my little insignificant blog would help them to remember to keep breathing. It may hurt bad for sometime but slowly you learn to find a way to smile despite that. You don’t bury the pain away, but rather acknowledge it. You learn to breathe again!

Certificates to be stored away

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I have gone to a business school and personally I don’t think it added to my professional capability in any way. I took a break from school to work and earn enough to go to college hoping that once I have a degree it would make me better at my job.

Fast forward, after completing my graduation and working for some years, I figured out that it was never about what was taught in the four walls of the lecture hall or the high GPA. It was always about how you as an individual figured things out. I apply about 5 % of what I learnt at my workplace. Everything else that I do is about trial and error.

My parents say a child never knows the flame can burn unless they actually touch it and feel the heat. Experiences is what makes one successful. I am extremely thankful for my experiences that has helped me grow.

I have learnt that some days even when you are right you would have to wait to be right. I learnt that anyone can have an education but only few get knowledge. I learnt that sometimes working in silence is the most offensive response you can give. And most importantly. that knowledge has to be shared without the fear of someone getting ahead.

As far as my degrees go, they are locked away somewhere in the bottom drawer of my cabinet. They gather dust and age serving as reminders that how the importance of certain things keep changing over time.

So, to all the students out there get your degrees, you may not come in first in college and that is okay. A degree does not define you, your personality and attitude does and you should never forget to build and improve on that.

Bloganuary writing prompt
What colleges have you attended?
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